Best dog award goes to…
everything about this is pure gold.
Yes just me, a dog. Taking a walk. With my dogs. Who are my friends. But also dogs. And I am a dog.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
|—||Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via disappolnted)|
i’ve never seen something so accurate
I swear at least five of my two friends don’t like me
this is it. this is the most important gif on tumblr.com
no okay but let me tell you a story
so at school I’m generally a pretty quiet person. I talk to a few people, I have a few friends, but I keep to myself a lot. So anyway, during lunch I’m on tumblr mobile, and this thing comes up. I put the gif onto full screen, and kind of half laugh at it. Then this guy who I have literally never talked to before walks by and then slowly back up and starts looking at my phone screen. I try to explain what I’m looking at, but really, how the hell do you explain this? Anyway, he waves over one of his friends so his friend comes over and looks at it. I’m still sitting in my chair, and we are all still completely silent. Soon more people begin to gather. 12 people, to be exact. 12 people, many of which I have never spoken to before, standing in a large, silent, ritual-esque circle around my iphone which is playing this gif on loop. After about five minutes, the first guy goes “how long is this?” and I was like “uh, its, um, its a gif, so it kind of goes on forever.” he nods and says “perfect”. These were the only words spoken throughout this whole event.
Don’t date someone you wouldn’t own a dog with